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12 weeks after miscarriage is this depression? Please help x
4 Replies
JessieT - September 8

When I found out i was pregnant, i was in shock as i hadnt been trying. Although straight away felt bonded and loved every second of my pregnancy. I went to my 12 weeks scan very excited with my partner to find out id suffered a missed miscarriage. My babys heartbeat had stopped at 9 weeks, but my body hadnt recognised it. I was given 3 choices, tablets, surgery, or natural. I decidede natural. (I thought if i was having this baby normally id try to do it as naturally as possible, and the fact that it had died didnt make any difference to the birth). Unfortunatly, my body didnt notice the babys death till 3 weeks later. So i spent 3 weeks knowing my baby was dead inside me. It was comforting after a while. I knew it was safe inside me, with its mumma, not wanting to part yet. I was told i was risking my own life but there was no way i was doing anything differently. If i had interferred i know id have regretted it. Although the day came, i started bleeding really heavily at 5am and my partner rushed me to A&E where i spent all day on the ward with a drip. My baby had to be removed during a internal examination. The most traumatic moment of my life. I felt everything just rush out of me. It felt like my insides had just crushed down and where comming out. I can still feel it now. The blood, baby, placenta, everything came gushing out and slide down me as i lay on the chair, the doctor wasnt expecting it. It was the worst moment, yet most proud moment of my life. I felt awful. My baby was out and everything was over. Yet proud cause i had done it all naturally. After, i told my family everything i had been through. No one new i was pregnant or miscarried. I kept it all secret as i didnt want anyone else to worry about me. But now, 3 months later, i still feel alone, islocated, and find myself crying everyday. No one knows im like this as im alone in the daytimes and work nights. I have a baby box where ive kept everything from docs letters to the scan picture, and i often find myself holding the box in my arms like a baby and i cant leave it for long. I know it sounds rediculious but i just cant seem to function as normal. My partners sister is now 13 weeks pregnant and im so happy for her but everyones talking about it all the time and forgetting about my baby. No one knows how i feel, i feel so alone. After the miscarriage i didnt want another baby and i could imagine risking it all again to go through everything, but lately, all i want is to be pregnant again. My partner wants to wait till everything in our lives are right, but i feel i need a baby. Ive even thought about going on the pill to be able to fall pregnant on purpose for forgetting to take it. But I just dont want to bother with anyone. Sometimes i just feel like i wish i died with my baby. A part of me has. x

 

soozyhislop - September 10

I'm so sorry to hear of your terrible loss.
I went for my 12 week scan yesterday to find out I'd missed miscarried. My baby's heart wasn't beating, my whole world fell apart. I was there on my own as my Husband was looking after our 3 boys.
I had no support from anyone at the Hospital & just treated like a piece of meat. I sat there crying my eyes out as the Doctor did a blood test. I then had to do MRSA swabs & all I wanted to do was go home. I then had to fill in a form for Day surgery, I could hardly read it through my tears.
You should try again when you're both ready.
I have had baby, miscarriage, baby, baby & miscarriage. I t's so hard not to blame yourself, I know I do. I think that's very normal. I wish you all the love & luck in the world. I'm here if you need to talk. Huge hugs xx

 

colcos - September 16

im asking myself the same question, i dont know
how to get past it now as im still so hurt that it happened to me, is that normal?
everythings changed now like thereis nothing to look forward to and i know i shouldnt think that way. will it haunt me forever???

 

ah26 - September 19

Hi JessieT,
I'm so sorry for your loss.

I just wanted to let you know the way you're feeling right now is so natural!!!!! All you're doing is grieving for your baby, and rightly so!!!

I found out a year ago last December that i was expectin. I was soooo happy!! My whole world felt complete, i had the partner i'd always dreamt of having, had a lovely house and we were both having a baby. I was so happy. I was so ill while i was pregnant but i didn't care because we were having a baby and that's all that mattered!!
I was late going for our 12 week scan,which meant i was even further on when i did go, but it didnt cross my mind for one second that there would be a problem. You hear of it happening every now and then but i never ever thought it would happen to us.
We were both so excited and then within a matter of minutes our whole world came crashing down.
The sonogropher told me that our baby's bowels, liver and stomach were growing on the outside of his body and that they thought the pressure of all the organs on the outside were causing the spine to curve. We had to wait just over a week to be referred to anothe hospital to see the specialists. Looking back i dont know how the hell we got thru that week. I think i'd convinced myself that they were wrong and that the specialists would then tell me everything was fine, but no!!!

The Professor confirmed that our baby was not at all well and was probably in a bit of pain at that stage. My only options were to let the pregnancy carry on, knowing our baby was in a lot of pain, or to have an induced misscarrage. I wasn't able to have a d&c as i was too far gone.

Our baby was born 4 days later. The worst day of my life, but in a strange way, also the best. That's the day our baby was born into the world, and ok, he didnt get to come home with us, but that's the day he made us parents.
I'm so glad i chose to give birth naturally coz in a strange way i feel i did the right thing for our baby. I feel all the pain was worth it, and that it's the only thing i could do for him.

Since the birth of our baby i've had soooo many feelings. All of regret, blame, anger, grief but it's taken a long time for me to get to the stage im at now and that's being able to think of our baby without breaking down everytime, or looking at his picture when i walk in the room. I too wished for a long time that i'd died with our baby, coz a big part of me died that day too and i've not been able to get it back. I still havn't but things will get better for you. Im not saying the pain goes away coz it doesnt, but you just learn to cope in a different way. It all takes time, so please don't think you shouldn't be feeling like this, because its normal!!!

If you ever need to talk more about it, just let me know, you could email me if you like?

How are you and your partner(relationship wise) coping with the loss of your baby?

I'm here if you need to talk
xxxx

 

JessieT - September 20

Im so sorry for all your losses. And i just want to thank you all for taking the time to read and comment as you are the only people i have to talk to as none of my family understands how im feeling. None of them even knew i was prengnant or carrying my dead baby for 3 weeks waiting for the miscarriage. I just feel it has screwed me up totally inside.
I feel exactly the same as you 'ah26'. I wanted to aviod every medical option as i felt it would be right for my baby and im so glad i did. The day i started to spot was the day the doctors wanted me in for the medical managment as i was risking my life. Im so glad i did. Im so proud of myself and my baby. I just feel so sad i can brag or talk about my baby to anyone cause no one knows! I feel left out of conversations with pregnant friends. My baby may not be with me, but i was pregnant. I felt awful too but i loved it! I was always moaning to my partner about how sick i felt etc but i always said how i loved it. I just feel so left out. like it will never change. Im so desperate for a baby now. I feel i need something to fill the hole in my heart. My partner says we will in time, but i lay in bed crying at night as i want a baby so bad. I just wonder if its me thinking i might be bringing him/her back! I just dont know anymore. Ive lost so much confidence about myself after this. I never go out or dress up. I feel horrible about myself all the time.
Me and my partner are ok. We look at it very differently though. He dosnt think of it as a life as such. And as it was an accident in the first place, he said maybe it wasnt ment to be anyway. But if that was try then why did my pregnancy test say postive in the first place! Hes over it now, and i know he knows im not. But like you say, you never get over it, you just learn to live with it. :(
Thank you so much 'ah26' that really does mean so much to me! I dont have anyone else who understand and its so nice to be able to talk about it and be upset and proud to someone at the same time :) Im really sorry for your loss. What have we done to deserve this?! :'( xxxxxx

 

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