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Heartache of ttc after loosing a baby
6 Replies
ah26 - August 19

I had to have an induced miscarriage last year. I was 16+weeks and was thrilled to be pregnant. We've all been so devestated at what's happened but i just can't seem to get on. I feel as though im stuck in a little bubble.
I have dreams/nightmares most nights thinking i can hear my baby crying but can't find him. I know it's all in my head and it's not going to stop unless i try to chill out about it all. I dont think it helps matters that since loosing our baby we've been trying to conceive as i thought that was the only way i could ever feel an ounce of happiness again but looking back, all it's done is push me and my partner apart. I've become so obsessed with getting pg again and i think i've reached a stage where i can tell its getting too much now, so as hard as it is, i've decided to leave it a couple of months and just concentrate on us. It's such a hard thing to do when its something you're so desperate for but i have to try and stay strong and stick to what i feel. I've also banned all ovulation and pregnancy kits out of my house as i really dont think they help, they're good dont get me wrong, but if you're the same as me you just become fixated with it after a while.
Has anyone else been through the same or a similar situation?


ah26 - August 21

Hi Kerry,

I've recently started counceling. I've always thought there's no point me going, if the can't bring my baby back then they can't help me, but i've got to the stage now where i couldnt possibly feel any worse than i do and so anything's worth a go so im glad you've decided to contact someone or an association so you can talk.
I dont find the counceling sessions as helpful as talking to people who are in or have been a similar situation as we have. I think the fact that you have something in common with the people you speak to on here make it a little easier to open up doesnt it?

I've also had to deal with the heartache of dealing with pregnant people around me since we lost our baby. There's no feeling like it is there? It just makes me want to shut everyone out and in a really selfish way i resent them for being pregnant because if ours was taken away from us then why does everything turn out ok for them? That sounds really bad doesnt it? Im not that kind of person tho and hate the fact that i have these kind of feelings.

We were luck enoughto get pg within 4 months of trying the 1st time which is one of the reasons i think im taking it so hard this time, so god knows how you must feel having tried for 3 yrs!! That must be awful?
What tests have you had so far?and what are they sorting for you next?

I def think you're right about the relationship thing. We've always been so close and such a good match but i jusy feel the day i had and lost our baby, a huge piece of me went with him and i've not realised until now? I dont know where these thoughts have come from, like i said in my other email, and im so glad you agreed(makes me feel less of a weirdo!) but ive just lived in ths little bubble for so long and these passed couple of weeks ive realised that everything's falling appart and so something needs to be done about it. So ive had to make the really hard decission to stop trying for a couple of months. I really dont know how im going to do that but i have to.

Touch wood my dreams aren't as frequent as they used to be. I still have them every now and then and they're still as upsetting when i do have them but you just learn to cope with them in a different way dont you?

How long ago did you say it was you lost yours? What was your situation?



ah26 - August 24

Hi Kerry,

I'm glad you too have the same feelings, before speaking to people like yourself i thought it was just the way i'd become, moody, didnt want to talk to people,couldn't look at pregnant people, but like you say, i do feel im able to deal with it a bit better these passed few weeks. It still hurts when i see a pregnant woman or new born baby because you always think the what if's dont you, but i do feel im able to think, well its not my baby so there's no point crying about it.

4 months is really good i know, but i think this is part of my problem, i dont see why it only took us 4 months to conceive the 1st time and we've been trying for over a year this time? It really bothers me,and you always get the people who say 'if you stop thinking about it, it will happen' or 'try and push it from your mind', how are you supposed to do that????

To be honest i've given up hope now, i'm sure i've mentioned before but i've decided not to but the ov kits anymore like yourself and just carry on with the blood tests in the doctors.I've been doing the ov kits from day 12 this cycle and stopped at day 19 because i've never ovulated later than that, so they showed i hadn't ovulated this month. I had the blood test at the docs which shows your results from roughly a week before and that showed that i had ovulated!!!!!!!so no, the kits dont always work!and if i'd have known that months ago i could have saved myself a lot of money!! So that's just made me even more adamant not to use them again. Itn also takes a lot of stress off myself and my partner and i think its us we need to concentrate on for a while now. I think i've pushed him away and thank god i've realised it before it's too late!!

Oh wow!!!!!How exciting!!:-) Agh it will do you the world of good to have something to focus on and plan wont it, even tho there's prob not much planning left to do now is there?!!lol.

I totally understant that you havnt been able to get excited, all thats going to be going through your head is the fact that you know your baby was meant to be there with you to share your special day, but you know he/she will be with you forever x

I've still not been able to see any of my friends babies that were born around the same time as ours was due. It hurts so much that i think to myself that it would just be easier to block them out, but it doesnt work like that does it. It must be so hard for you to not have a couple of your friends there because of their situations but i think the best thing you could do is tell yourself that just for that one day, you're going to focus on you and enjoy your lovely day!!The timing of the day is going to make it all harder for you both too isnt it?, but hopefully, if you support eachother, you'll both get through it xx. I'm from North Wales, how about you?

What tests have they done? bloods etc or have you had others at the hosp too,scans etc?

I've recently started looking at IVF as i feel thats going to be our only option now too, it doesnt sound very nice but i'd go through anything to be pregnant again but get to take our baby home this time!

3 years is a long time, i dont know how you've managed to do so well without seeing someone sooner,but hopefully the ball's rolling now and things will start to look more positive for you?xIf you dont mind me asking, how old are you Kerry? If you ever want to swap email add's or are you maybe on facebook? then let me know.x

Good luck with the wedding plans!!:-)x



ah26 - August 24

Hi Kerry,

Oh my god!!How weird is that!!lol.

The weather's been really crap this year hasnt it, so dont blame you for not coming!lol.

lol, dont be silly, you're not old at all!!!! I'm 26, so not afr behind you!lol

Umm, i havnt got a clue how to do it? I wouldnt know how to delete it either? Do you have any idea how to do it?



ah26 - August 24

I've sent a request, hope i've got the right person?!lol



Mina - August 27

Hi ah26 and Kerry,

First, can I just say that I truly understand what you're going through and I feel your heartache, I really do.

I became pregnant for the first time after four IUS and one successful IVF (two planned IVFs didn't result in fertilized eggs). It took us two years. When the doctor confirmed I was pregnant, my husband and I were ecstactic. He couldn't have been happier. It was really nice to see him so excited.

All of this is the past tense, of course, because I'm going through the same thing. I went in for a scan (8w 2d) yesterday and found out the baby had died sometime last week. I still have pregnancy symptoms like morning sickness, etc. which serve as a reminder that my body doesn't know the baby's heart has stopped. At the same time I feel miserable when the symptoms start to fade. I've been scheduled for a D&C next week. Part of me doesn't want to have the D&C since I keep thinking maybe the doctor made a mistake. Then again, I'm scared at the thought of what'll happen to me emotionally if I have to go through a miscarriage. I've already lost so much of myself.

I haven't even had the D&C but I'm already fixated on conceiving again. I think it's because it feels like it's the only thing that can give me any hope. I feel like I've lost everything and I'm stuck in this hellhole and can't move on. How do you not think about trying to conceive when all you can think about is trying to conceive? Does this ever get any better?


ah26 - August 29

Hi Mina,

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. Sounds like you've been through a lot already!!

It was hard enough to go through what i did without having the heartache you've prob had in having to have the Ius and ivf to then be in the situation you're in now.

The feeling of having that scan and being told there's something wrong is horrendous. No one can ever explain the pain you feel can they. I remember waking up the morning after i'd had my baby and all i felt was emptyness. It's a horrible feeling. After being so ill through the pregnancy the morning after, all my symptoms had just disappeared, it was horrible.

I too became fixated on conceiving again but looking back, i think that's done me more harm than good. I know that's prob the worst thing for you to hear right now but it made me so ill. I wanted it so badly that it completely took over my life and that's all i focused on. It's different for everyone, and some people can shrug it off and some people can't. I was one of those who couldn't and it's only in the last few weeks that i'm starting to feel more positive. I really do think the more fixated you become about it all, the less likely you are of conceiving.

One of the hardest thing's i've found was seeing pregnant people or new born babies. It's only in the passed couple of months or so i'd say that i can now look at them, say hello or smile if i have to and then walk away without bursting into tears. If im having a bad day i may well still have a cry, but im able to control it a bit better and at least wait until they're out of the way. It's taken a long time, but everyone's different. I do feel i'm getting into a better frame of mind and so hopefully that will help with the whole situation?

Again, it's different for everyone, the pain has never gone away, and dont think it ever will, i've just learnt to cope with it in a different way.(If that makes sense?)

No one can take away the pain you're feeling right now, but the most important thing is for you and your partner to stay strong and support one another through it.

I really hope everything goes as well as can be expected for you next week. Don't let anyone rush you into 'getting over it' as people so nicely like to put it. It'll take however long it takes, dont put anymore pressure on yourself, and as hard as it is right now, try to stay positive.

Thinking of you




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