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i still cant cope
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sammie - May 8

hi, just signed up today, and already had a few too many vodka's so apologies.
Im 20 and had a miscarriage a year ago this month. i had been using birth conrol yet still fell pregnant. i had no idea i was pregnant and went on a very boozy week away. when i got back i was bleeding so heavily that i went to the drop in clinic and was told id had/having a miscarriage.
Since then, i've not coped well at all. i ahve pushed all my family and loved ones away, and barely speak to my mother if avoidable. After having lost my baby in may, i then took an overdose in august and was very close to dying. now i still cant deal with it.
Every month around the 19th (my due date) im at my worst, or the 26th (the date i miscarried). I cant move on from this, even though i know i need to. Almost on a daily basis i find myself thinking of suicide again, and really cant see what i have to stick around for. Something that even a child of 13 can do i still seem to mess up?
I've been able to hide this for a long time form my partner, but having moved in together now, he has picked up on it. i stay awake most nights crying, and the nights i do sleep and generally because of drinking too much vodka. we have spoken about having children, and he says that he doesnt think im ready, even though i couldnt possibly want one any more than i do now. I know he wants them badly, and i feel im ruining his chances by being so depressed about my baby i lost.
After my attempted suicide, i had councilling for 4 months, but they didnt seem to help me at all. chris thinks i should speak to another councillor, but i dont see that they will be able to help me.
i really dont know what to do, or how i can ever get out of this rutt, whenever i feel like i might be able to pick myself up, something makes me crumble back down.
I'm worried that me being like this is putting strain on our relationship and that i'll end up pushing him away, then i really would be another step closer to the end.
I admit i have a problem, and am open to help, just dont know where to find it.
Please help me
sam

 

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