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Miscarriage 3 years ago is still breaking my heart
1 Replies
catgram - April 27

hi, I am new here, however, I had a miscarriage three years ago. When I had first learned I was pregnant, I was angry at my soon to be ex husband. We had three children already, and I had been bugging him to get a vasectomy, as I thought I was done having children. Needless to say, I found out I was pregnant a week after telling him I wanted a divorce. Two and a half months passed and the pregnancy was going fine, I was still angry and not wanting to be with my ex, and he thought the pregnancy was a good way for us to be able to work things out. One day I started to bleed and bleed. Went to the doctors and they did an ultrasound and everything was fine. When I seen my little one on the screen, I realized that I wanted the baby, dispite my husbands and my relationship. Two days later I miscarried... held the dead baby in my hands after it literally fell out of me onto the floor. I was in shock...I couldn't believe how small it was, and yet it had eyes and a little nose and little fingers and toes, 10 all together...and yet, it was gray and dead. My husband and I split shortly after, and I moved on with my life... thinking that the miscarriage was a blessing in disguise. Now three years later, I cry when I hear of other women being pregnant...wondering why not me. I am jealous of moms with new babies. I have three children of my own, and yet they're growing up so fast, and I don't want my last memory of being pregnant to be one of loss or death. I am currently with a man who is absolutely wonderful, and so supportive. We've been together since two months after my miscarriage, so he knows it all. However, he had a vasectomy when he was with his ex wife, and the money to reverse it is too much for us right now.. For the longest time, I held the resentment against him, because he couldn't give me what I wanted (a baby) however, now I realize that I am actually holding the resentment towards myself for not wanting my baby in the first place,and view his vasectomy as a punishment for my feelings towards the last baby until it was too late. Anywyas, I babbling on here.. I just don't know what to do anymore... I don't know how to stop the pain ...somedays it's just too unbearable.

 

lauraj - April 29

I really feel for you. Im in the middle of my 2nd miscarriage and im still not over my 1st one 8 years ago. Have you spoken to your doctor about how you feel and maybe suggest that you want counseling.

 

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