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Sad, Angry and Scared
4 Replies
MissMolly - November 2

Hi, Im 27 and started miscarrying a week ago. I was approx 8 weeks pregnant. Been for another scan today and they have said my miscarriage is complete.

The preganancy was a shock although we hadnt been using contraception for over a year. At first I was totally in shock and terrified, then within a few days I was ecstatic. Although my partner was also shocked he also became really happy and we naturally started to envisage ourselves as parents and started to think about moving to a bigger place to live etc. Within 2 weeks of finding out I was pregnant I started to bleed, only slightly but I was referred to hospital for tests. My Hcg levels werent doubling or going up nearly enough so I had to go back to hospital for blood tests every 2 days.

Now its all over I dont really know what to do with myself. I am feeling so many emotions and I feel like the people around me dont understand and I dont want them to know how hard I am finding this.

I am back at work but while I find I can get on with my job fine, when I leave and start to walk home it's almost like it all hits me again and I struggle not to burst into tears on my way home. Anytime anything doesnt go the way I expect it to I get upset and even if I see something sad on TV, I will start crying and find it hard to stop. I have also found that I get exceptionally angry at stupid things. My road rage is off the scale now and I was practically on the verge of kicking my boyfriend out because he stayed out for a few drinks at the weekend when I felt he should be with me. I just do not feel like myself and I feel like I cannot escape the sight of pregnant women and new born babies. Whether its walking down the street, sitting in work or watching TV, people are sporting huge baby bumps and showing off their new borns. I hate feeling this way and its shameful to admit but I feel so envious.

I also keep thinking back to the minute I found out I was pregnant and how happy I would be if this happened to me now. The only thing that is keeping me sane is the thought that I should have a period in the next month or so and then I am free to try to conceive again. At the same time I am petrified of how I will feel if I get pregnant again as I think the whole time I will be worried about miscarrying again.

Im sure this is all normal but please can someone tell me when I am going to start feeling like myself and in control again?

 

Sophiee - November 3

That is exactly how I feel. People around me (well the few that I told) seem to think that because we spoke about it once and it happened two months ago its all gone away now and I should be ok again. When I am on the way home or on my own I cannot stop thinking about it and pregnant women are everywhere all gloating and happy and it sickens me. My cousins wife conceived a week before me and has just found out she is having a girl and I saw her smoking. I just wanted to kick her in the head (obviously I wouldn't). How can she smoke and carry this baby and I don't and lost mine. My emotions are off the chart. So angry over nothing at all. People tell me it just takes time to get over it. The only thing that makes me feel slightly better is knowing that it's not just me that feels this bad or numb.
Sophie x

 

queenA - November 3

Hi i felt the same way.Id go to work normal and when i come home i just break down. im doing better. im trying to keep it together but For me things around me makes it so difficult. My boyfriend just didnt get it, i simply just needed him. And now i broke up with him. i i feel totally helpless. now i wont have that second chance with him to have another baby.

My heart is breaking so much because i lost the two most important people in my life.

I asked my OBGYN about my ultrasound pic cuz she didnt give it to me, she told me she'd look for it and call me back n up to now i havent gotten a call. i no she coulda easily forget but i feel stupid to calll n ask again. i dont no. I just. i need to talk with someone who'll understand.

 

MissMolly - November 6

Thanks for commenting - knowing I am not alone makes me feel better, though I wouldnt wish that kind of pain on anyone!

Sophiee, I completely understand how you feel regarding your cousin. Reading your comment sickens me as I too am a non smoker and as soon as I found out I was pregnant I rushed to shops to make sure I had all the vitamins I needed and bought loads of healthy foods to make sure I was the healthiest I can be. When I was going to and from hospital all the time I constantly saw heavily pregnant women smoking outside the hospital doors and it really hurts because no matter how much I looked after myself my baby was never going to survive.

QueenA I really feel for you also as going through a miscarriage and then losing your partner too must be a horrible time for you. Have your hormones gone back to normal yet, as I have been told mine are almost completely back to normal (they may even be normal now) and I have felt a lot more like myself and have acted a lot less angry towards my partner.
If you want to get back with him I would apologise and explain that your hormones are all over the place and you will not be yourself but really he should understand this and if he cares for you he should do some research so he can see this is not an easy process for a woman to go through and at times will be incredibly hard for you. This will obviously affect your moods and personality. He hopefully knows he has been unsupportive and is probably grieving just as much so I really hope that you can work things out (if that is what you want of course).

Lots of hope to all of us that next time we have the healthy babies we all want so much. xxx

 

queenA - November 7

Thanks missMolly. Really appreciate it.

 

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