Miscarriage: Advice for family and friends

How Will I Feel When I go Home?

Reaction to a miscarriage is very variable and once again there’s no ‘right’ way to feel – a range of reactions are possible and normal.

In addition to the grief you may feel, your body will be undergoing some profound hormonal adjustments, which may make you feel very emotionally volatile.

Grief is a very normal reaction to the loss you have experienced and it may be as intense as that after any other loss. Many women describe a feeling of numbness and emptiness following a miscarriage. Some couples withdraw, feeling alone and isolated, while others may wish to talk about their loss.

Men often feel they have to be strong for their partner and find their loss particularly difficult to talk about. Although it is difficult at first, it may help to try and tell family or close friends how you feel.

Where can I get More Information?

Bookshops such as WH Smith or Dillons stock books on pregnancy and many of these contain some information on miscarriage and optimising health for future pregnancies.

Your GP may be able to give some more specific advice. The practice nurse may run a well-woman or preconception clinic – phone the practice for more details.

Help for Family and Friends

If you are reading this on behalf of someone else, here is some advice on how to help them.

• Do let your genuine concern and caring show.
• Do be available… to listen or to help with whatever seems needed at the time.
• Do say you are sorry about what has happened and about their pain.
• Do allow them to express as much unhappiness as they are feeling and are willing to share.
• Do encourage them to be patient with themselves and not to expect too much of themselves, nor to impose any ‘shoulds’ on themselves.
• Do allow them to talk about their loss as much and as often as they want to.
• Do reassure them that they did everything they could and that it wasn’t their fault.
• Don’t let your own sense of helplessness keep you from reaching out.
• Don’t avoid them because you are uncomfortable. Being avoided by friends may add pain to an already painful experience.
• Don’t say that you know how they feel (unless you have experienced their loss yourself, and then you can be particularly supportive).
• Don’t say ‘you ought to be feeling better by now’ or anything which implies judgment about their feelings.
• Don’t tell them what they should feel or do.
• Don’t change the subject when they mention their loss.
• Don’t avoid mentioning their loss out of fear of reminding them of their pain (they won’t have forgotten).
• Don’t try to find something positive about the loss (eg. a moral lesson, closer family ties, etc).
• Don’t point out that at least they have their other….
• Don’t say that they can always have another…. (they wanted this one).
• Don’t say that they should be grateful for….
• Don’t make comments which in any way suggest that the loss was their fault (there will be enough feelings of doubt and guilt already).

Recommended Links

Get the answers to your questions about miscarriage, like how long you will bleed after miscarriage, in our pregnancy loss forum.

The UK Miscarriage Association provides information and support on both a national and local level.

Another useful UK site is Babyloss, which includes many other relevant links.

To share your pregnancy loss story, visit Pregnancy Stories.

Find more information on miscarriage at this pregnancy info site.